Happy New Year to you all. Hope you had a good one.
At this time of the year lots of people make ‘resolutions.’ I don’t simply because resolutions to me are a bit like offering your seat to an old person on public transport; you don’t really want to do it, but it just sounds nice.
So instead I’ve made my 2011 predictions (really it’s just some random shit I’d love to see in the next 12 months)…
1. Nick Griffin’s daughters start dating brothers from the Nation of Islam.
2. For her wedding present the Queen gives Kate Middleton a framed picture of Princess Diana with the words ‘You know how that ended… Don’t get on my bad side’ written on the back.
3. Osama Bin Laden and Barack Obama get into a ‘your mum’ cussing battle via released videos.
4. TV producers and commissioners finally stick to their word when they say they want to see more diverse faces that truly represent Britain on comedy shows.
5. Justin Bieber has to retire from music after a serious dose of swine flu. Now that’s what I call Bieber Fever!
6. Julian Assange is cleared of all sex offence charges when the video evidence showed the real offender… Roman Polanski!
7. Nando’s start doing a lunch-time buffet!
8. Tinie Tempah’s eyesight deteriorates due to his constant unnecessary wearing of over-sized sunglasses. He then accidentally walks out in the road in front of a moving coach, which is going from Southampton to Scunthorpe!
9. The term ‘sell-out’ is replaced by the term ‘Nick Clegg.’ i.e. Nah mate, I couldn’t get tickets for the concert. It’s a right Nick Clegg!’
10. Bill Gates buys a property in London for his international business. He ends up buying a place near Ealing Broadway and one day attends a local Brentford match. After one game he is hooked and makes a formal takeover (I can dream!).
All the best for 2011.