My England Euro 2012 Squad

In just a few hours Roy (Or ‘Woy’ according to so many tabloids) Hodgson announces his 23-man squad for the european championships in Poland and Ukraine.

As an avid England fan I thought I’d put myself in Roy’s shoes, sitting there in an office at the FA headquarters, staring at picture of Harry Redknapp thinking ‘In your face biaaaatch!’ and pick my own England squad.

So here it is, my choice of a 23-man squad for the Euros:

Goalkeepers

Hart, Ruddy, Foster*

Defenders

Richards, Walker**, Cole, Baines, Lescott, Cahill, Jones, Smalling

Midefielders

Parker***, Young, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Osman, Gerrard, Cleverley, Milner, A. Johnson

Strikers

Rooney, Welbeck, Sturridge, Carroll

*Foster I would tempt out of retirement.

**Kyle Walker may be injured. If so, I’d replace him with Glen Johnson.

***Scott Parker may be injured. If so, I’d replace him with Michael Carrick or Jonjo Shelvey.

Ok, so what do you think? Agree or disagree? Already I can sense there’s people going “Where’s John Terry?”, “What about Rio?” “There’s no Walcott?” “Andy Carroll? Are you high Nath!”

I’ve gone for a squad that’s built on younger players as let’s face it, we have absolutely nothing to lose and no expectations, so I’d like to see a fresh squad without the same annoying underperforming faces i.e. Terry, Lampard, Ferdinand etc and see us go for it with no pressure.

Having said that, I will not be one bit surprised if later today I see Roy Hodgson’s squad that includes Terry, Lampard et al.

Nath.

Harry’s REAL Reaction To England Snub

Breaking news, this voicemail message from FA Chairman David Bernstein’s phone has just been leaked (via Rupert Murdoch):

***BEEP***

Dave, it’s Harry.

Yea… So… It’s been 24 hours now since you lot appointed Roy and I’ve tried my upmost to be dignified in front of the cameras, but seriously what the bleeding hell is going on?!!!

No, seriously, are you having a f*cking bubble?!!! I thought I was the man for the job. The entire country thought that. Anyone could see that I was the man for the job! Stevie f*cking Wonder in a nighclub full of tinted windows could see that! It don’t take a bleeding Leveson inquiry to work out who the public want!

Have I done something wrong? Is it the tax stuff? You know they found me not guilty? Then what is it? I’ve got the CV. I’ve won the FA Cup, I’ve also won… Er… Er… Er….- My point is, how the f*ck can you snub me for Roy Hodgson?!!!

Firstly he can’t even say his own name right! Every time I watch him I’m like “Gordon Bennet Hodgers! It’s ‘Roy’ not ‘Woy’ … And it’s the ‘referee’ not ‘weferee’…” F*ck sake!

Secondly, he played in South Africa during apartheid! I mean come on Dave! We’ve already got John Terry in the squad, we don’t need John Terry’s inspiration on the sidelines!

Look, you guys have made me look like a right f*cking mug here! I’ve been bragging to all my friends at the tax offi- Er, I mean, the lads down the pub. Do you know how much of a tw*t I’m gonna look now!

I can’t even look my wife in the eye. For the least 6 months I’ve been telling her “Your man’s going to the Euros sweetheart! Pack your bags! You’re gonna be the oldest WAG there! Like a granny WAG or ‘GWAG’ as I like to call it’… How do you think she feels now? We thought we were going to the Euros and now the only way I’m getting to Europe is via the Europa league!

Absolute bullsh*t this is! I’ve done everything you asked. Look at my Spurs side since Janaury. I’ve managed to get a group of talented players to majorly under-perform and not live up to expectation. Now if that doesn’t say England manager then I don’t know what does!

You know what, go f*ck yourselves! Don’t ask for me again cos you ain’t getting me! I don’t need the money. I’ve got plenty saved up from my mate at the tax off- er, I mean, down the pub (need to stop slipping).

Anyway, piss off!

*** BEEP!*** END OF MESSAGE

Adios Pep!

With his last games in charge of Barcelona looming, this is what Pep Guardiola’s leaving letter would probably read…

To: The Barcelona board,

Ola,

Well guys, I thought I’d just write you this letter to say gracias and adios!

I want to make it clear that these last few years have been memorable and will always hold a special place in my heart as it has given me many happy times.

However the job, as grateful as I have been for it, has also brought along much stress. You have NO IDEA how tough it is to be in charge of what many consider to be the greatest club side in history, winning all of them trophies, being loved and adored by the media and Spanish public and nearly everyone in football (except Jose, but f*ck him!). Look, it’s been really hard on me, having to work with Xavi, Iniesta, Pedro and of course Lionel. Seeing him score and score and score… Oh! Just thinking about it now is making me want to start cutting myself! I’m like “C’mon Messi! Stop being so brilliant! Mess up a little. Make it interesting. Be like your idol Maradona! Handball it, do a line of cocaine, something! Stop scoring all these goals and bringing me success!”

I feel like I need to go somewhere where there’ll be no stress, no pressure, no expectation and most importantly no success. I’ve always been a fan of the claret and blue colours so I’m leaving one claret and blue team and going to another… Have you heard of Aston Villa?

I feel this is my next calling. It’s perfect. There’s no tippy-tappy football, just hoof it all the time. Most of the time their fans fall asleep. Their equivalent of Lionel is this guy they call Emile; hasn’t scored in months. Now that’s no pressure.

So, I thank you for everything you’ve done, but it’s bye bye Barcelona, hello Birmingham!

Adios.

Pep.

The Fine Line Between Ignorance And Racism

2011 should have been a memorable year in football for positive reasons. It’s been a year that saw Manchester City buy- oops, I mean win, their first trophy in years, a year when I saw a goal that literally made me freeze with my mouth wide open (Rooney’s overhead kick), a year when I saw my team Brentford play in a cup final at Wembley (Don’t ask me what the score was! It slipped my mind… f*ck you Carlisle!).

But instead 2011 will be a year remembered for the wrong reasons. It will be a year that showed me that there’s a fine line between ignorance and racism. Step forward John Terry, Luis Suarez, Sepp Blatter (D*ck! …Sorry, reflex action) and to a lesser extent Alan Hansen and Kenny Dalglish. 

Now I’m not saying the above are all racists, but they’ve been ignorant enough to put themselves in a precarious situation, when really they should know better, given their roles/jobs with the media spotlight on them and also the fact THAT WE’RE LIVING IN 2011!!!

Let’s look at each case…

John Terry

Not a racist, but bloody stupid! How could he honestly think he could say what he said in front of hundreds of cameras with millions watching and not realise someone out there would see and misinterpret his words. Not racist, just ignorant!

Luis Suarez

Since when has a racial word been a term of endearment?!?! I’ve been racially abused a few times in my life and NEVER have I started blushing and gone ‘Aww! Stop! You’re too kind!’ Don’t take the mickey Luis! And you’re not in Uruguay now, you’re in England! Not a racist, just ignorant!

Sepp Blatter

D*ck! (Again, reflex). Next year when Sepp comes to London for the Olympics wouldn’t it be funny if he was walking down a dark street in Hackney one night, a bunch of young kids (the bad-bwoy ones) jumped out, attacked him from behind while screaming out ‘Take that you Austrian mofo! You Caucasian son of a b*tch!’, took his phone and wallet and just before they left him one of the kids looked down at him, put out his hand and went ‘Safe tho yea?’ Again, Sepp is not racist, just ignorant.

So having said that, here’s an idiot’s guide to avoiding racist predicaments for Suarez, JT and Sepp in particular…

DO NOT greet a black person with “What’s up my n*gga!” We’ve all seen Rush Hour.

DO NOT look at a black person in a weird way if they’re eating chicken, watermelon, a banana etc.

DO NOT ask a black person to tap dance!

DO NOT refer to slavery as ‘the good old days’ in front of a black person.

DO NOT laugh at a Prince Phillip ‘black’ joke!

DO NOT goosestep!

DO NOT invite a black person to your house if you collect golliwogs! One word… Awkward!!!

DO NOT go to a fancy dress party dressed as a Nazi if you know black people are going to be there!

DO NOT tell a ‘black joke’ to a black person unless you REALLY know them.

DO NOT use the word camouflage in a sentence when talking to a black person in a dark room.

When talking to your black friend DO NOT start a sentence with the words ‘You people’!

If your black man is losing his/her temper DO NOT attempt to compose them down by saying ‘Calm down. Don’t go ape!’

Sorry Excuses

If you were on £200k-a-week and your manager asked you to run around a football pitch for about 30 minutes kicking a ball, would you say no?

Shit, for £200k-a-week the manager could ask me to give my mum a nipple cripple and I’d do it!

So that begs the question why did Carlos Tevez refuse to play. Many pundits and fans say there’s absolutely no excuse, but I’ve put some thought into it and come up with some reasonable excuses that may justify Tevez’s actions (or non-actions).

1. Maybe Carlos Tevez farted while sitting in his seat and accidentally followed through so he’s embarrassed to stand up. You don’t want a 50,000 crowd seeing your skidmarks on your shorts, especially if they’re light blue! It’ll show up easily!

2. One of the Bayern Munich defenders has a serious B.O problem and Carlos Tevez is a big believer in personal hygiene.

3. As Carlos spends more time on the bench nowadays he’s got more free time on his hands and has picked up a smoking weed habit. Maybe he was high sitting on that bench and the weed made him paranoid, so paranoid that he thought there was a sniper in the stands who was out to get him.

4. Him and Pablo Zabaletta were having a silly game of ‘Truth Or Dare’. Carlos thought he’d be brave and picked dare and Pablo top-trumped him… ‘I dare you to refuse not to play!’

5. Maybe Mario Balotelli isn’t the only player who’s ‘allergic to grass’???

You see? Perfectly good excuses, right?